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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27594397">full stop</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/shadoedseptmbr/pseuds/shadoedseptmbr'>shadoedseptmbr</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>L'essai Et Repose [14]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Mass Effect Trilogy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/M, Gen, M/M, Making Friends, Moving On, Or not, picking up a life</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-07 00:00:31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>8,000</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27594397</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/shadoedseptmbr/pseuds/shadoedseptmbr</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Shepard's been gone for two years.  He deserves to have a life.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kaidan Alenko/Female Shepard</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>L'essai Et Repose [14]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1937545</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>21</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Only one of his fire team required medical attention after last week’s extreme field test and Kaidan calls it a win.  A iv drip and some sleep and even Marko would be back on his feet.</p><p>They’d passed every whim Ferrars and he could throw at them, all seven days in the punishing heat and frigid temperatures to the oxy deprivation on the last day, despite full usage of their abilities.  He could insert any of the forty members of his company into any fleet platoon and be sure of their full operative capacity.</p><p>The top five were on a watch list for N school.  Lieutenant Commander Garin would receive her letter tomorrow, asking her to show up in Rio in two months.  </p><p>He’ll have to shuffle around and find a new XO, but she’s earned the spot, her handpicked squad had gotten top marks this week.  </p><p>A pleasant jangle of music and laughter wafts over the hot thin air of the compound and he’s on his way to the mess to join them when the corporal running his staff waves him down from the prefab hut of the comm tower.  “Commander?”</p><p>“Yeah, Pachi?”  </p><p>“Message coming in from the Colonel, sir.”  </p><p>Kaidan turns on his heel. “Patch it through to my hut, I’ll take it there.” </p><p>“Yes, sir!”</p><p>The heat relents as he enters the shade of the prefab unit and he takes a relatively cool breath and the time to chug half a bottle of water before he switches on the vid screen.  He’d made the march, too.  It would have been nice to sit down. “Alenko, here.”</p><p>“Commander, congratulations on the field test.  I’m looking forward to the report.” </p><p>“Thank you, ma’am. The cook’s made a cake, there’s a bet on with support to see if any of them stay awake long enough to eat it.”    </p><p>She raises an eyebrow and a smile softens the stern lines of her face. “I’ll make it quick, then.   We've been receiving some...troubling intel from out in the Terminus.  Four independent human colonies have been...well, the best we can tell, completely depopulated.”   The screen splits to a galaxy map, flagging the four colonies with dates.  Freedom’s Progress had happened on Tuesday, when he and his teams had been in a cavern shifting rocks to unbury themselves after a simulated tunnel collapse.</p><p>None of the colonies are close to batarian space.  One isn’t far from Alchera. “Slavers?”</p><p>“No, at least not the sort of batarian carnage we're familiar with.  There’s no damage-no infrastructure damage,” she corrects herself.  “There isn’t even a damn blood trail, Alenko.  All we’ve gotten is some half scrubbed footage from the latest site.” The screen split shifts to run a looped camera feed.  </p><p>A white shuttle, a modified Kodiak by the look of it, with gold and black markings hovers over a landing pad.  A pair of soldiers in full white and black armor, the same marking, a hollow black lozenge, split at the bottom and flanked by two gold arms, drops out with guns and a camera drone following.  </p><p>“I don’t recognize the insignia, Colonel.  Local colony markers?”</p><p>“No.  Near as we can tell, it’s new Cerberus paint.” </p><p>“Cerberus?  The terrorists? They’re attacking colonies?”</p><p>“Right now, we don’t have proof of that.  The colonists just...vanish and then Cerberus shows up. It was staying quiet but the news broke a few days ago while you were in the field and we can’t afford to let this go any farther without some show of concern.  Terminus colonies or not they’re still human.”</p><p>“We’ve managed to get this scrap of footage from Freedom’s Progress.  There’s some...other footage.  I don’t want to send it just yet.  Still running it through verification.”  Ferrars’ brows are furrowed.  There’s something about the data that’s concerning her but clearly she doesn’t want to tell him, yet.</p><p>A brief pops up under the comm, labelled Horizon and Kaidan scans it as Ferrars fills him in. Farming colony over half a million human settlers in the Shadow Sea. Growing fast in the five years since settlement, mostly around the capital of Discovery. Temperate climate, low grav.  Known for bugs.</p><p>“This colony is a little less hostile to the Alliance, got a few ex soldiers in their numbers.  It’s out fairly far but they’ve had good luck so far against slavers and whatever else the Terminus has thrown at them.  The Alliance sent them a set of GARDIANS but they need a tech to get them calibrated properly, they can’t seem to manage it. We want to make this low profile, can’t send a full team.”</p><p>He watches the shuttle vid loop again, and something nags at him, besides the way Ferrars is leading him. “Send me.  Lieutenant Commander Garin can try her hand at running things while I’m offworld.” </p><p>“That’s what I wanted to hear.  Details are incoming.”  His omni pings as it starts the download.  “You’ll stop at the Citadel, there are some vaccinations you’ll require and Hackett wants you to brief Anderson.  He’s got some intel for you as well but I don’t want to take any chances of interference after that incident with the Migrant Fleet, so keep this quiet, Commander.”</p><p>“Yes, ma’am.”  He hears another burst of laughter from the mess tent, but he’s got a month’s worth of duty rosters and supply chains to verify and square and his report to clean up and send before he can join in.  There’ll be a berth waiting for him from Luna if he can make the Marrakesh space port by 1800.  </p><p>The day flies by and he’s settled into the worn plasleather seat of the passenger section of the Venture cruiser and approaching the Charon relay when his omni pings again.</p><p>There’s a delayed message burst from...Tali.  <i>Hunh.</i> It’s been well over a year since he’d heard from her.  From anyone.  He’d done his best to keep up, but a lot of the Normandy crew had dropped off the radar while he was out of pocket.</p><p>He knew it would happen.  He can’t quite regret it. Kaidan hits play and the message spools into his earpiece as he feels the mass acceleration gather under the floor plating and the inertial dampers kick up the pressure. </p><p>
  <i>“Kaidan, just checking in.  I was in closer territory than I have been in ages and I...just wanted to say hello.  If you get this before the sixth of Lun’shal, let me know, I should still be in range.  I ran into...someone and...I had wondered if you had heard from them.”</i>
</p><p>The date of the message packet is two days ago, once he runs the date. It’s made a dozen comm relay jumps.  He’s missed her.  </p><p>Ran into someone.  Maybe Liara?  She’d sent him a new address route a few months ago and he’d been trying to think what to say.  He hadn’t handled her way of grieving very well.  Now it just seemed...awkward.  </p><p>Or Garrus.  He hasn't heard from him in even longer.  He types in a quick reply to Tali and sends it off, on the off chance she might still be in a position to hear it.  </p><p> </p><p>The docking port is awash with various aliens, bright advertising, a soft, lyrical tune from the cafe to his left.  There’s a line, the security checkpoint backed up with the arrival of several flights at once.</p><p>He shoulders his bag, heavy with his armor kit and the technical tools he’s hauling and braces himself as he steps off the gangway for the inevitable triggered ad to start running to his left, as he waits for his turn through the id scanner that CSEC had recently installed.</p><p>But it doesn’t play.  He looks over to the kiosk as a turian officer picks through his kit and it’s a still ad, just the Alliance stylized A and an admonition to visit a recruiter, today.  <i>Hunh.</i></p><p>The turian clears his throat and Kaidan looks up.  “You need a permit for this scanner, human.” </p><p>“Oh, right.”  Kaidan’s handing it over when he hears his name.</p><p>“Hey, Alenko!  Kaidan!”  </p><p>His head whips around at a familiar voice on the other side of the security check.  “Chet?”</p><p>“Hey, babe! Got your ping!  Thought I’d come down.” Chet’s practically bouncing as he waits for the scanner to finish, waits for Kaidan to step through before he wraps long arms around him.  Kaidan leans into the hug and shifts his bags so he can pound his hand against Chet’s shoulder.  </p><p>“Hey, man.  How've you been?” </p><p>“Not as good as you, what are you benching krogans down there in the gravity well?”  Chet staggers a little under the medium weight armor bag as he hefts it.  </p><p>“No, just flinging training dummies.”  </p><p>“Got a killer tan, got shoulders for days. I should go home, see if I can stop looking like they found me under a rock, heh.”</p><p>“You look good.”  Chet’s grin is still brilliant and his dark hair is neatly slicked back.  He’s clearly just gotten off of work, in his pressure suit from the gunship he flew as part of the Alliances’ contribution to Citadel space security.  </p><p>“How long you on the Citadel, they station you here?”  Chet guides them down the passage.</p><p>“No, I’d have let you know.  Just here to play courier for HQ, and then I’m off to do some tech work for a change.”  </p><p>“Some day, some glorious day they’re going to slip up and post us on the same boat and then we’re gonna have a time you and me, boyo.  You got time for a drink?”  </p><p>Kaidan checks his orders and he’s still set to meet Anderson first thing in the morning and then a flight to the Terminus with an Alliance cruiser.  “I’m yours for the night if you’ve got a place I can stash my gear.”  </p><p>“Do I have a place?  Do I...well, I’ve got a hole on Bachjret Ward but there’s a couch if they haven’t put you up in a hotel.”  </p><p>No doubt the Alliance has an arrangement, but he’d rather hang with Chet.  “Nah, I’d rather catch up with you.”  </p><p>“Good man….or...hey, we hit the bar maybe we can do you better?”</p><p>“Chet.”  </p><p>“<i>Unhunh</i>.  Not taking no for an answer.  I know six people who would be a good time and two of them happen to work on the Citadel and I'm calling them…..now.” He taps at his omni and then points at Kaidan.  “We’re gonna hit my place, we’re going to put on real clothes, we're gonna have dinner, you’re gonna tell me about literally everything, and then we’re going to Dark Star and have a drink and a dance and make new friends.”  </p><p>Kaidan’s chuckling as Chet throws his gear into a cab.  It’s been too long since he let himself get caught up in someone else’s tow.  </p><p>True to his word, after dinner at the noodle shop that caters to the Alliance servicefolk, they trek to the Lower Wards and hit Zakera with a large crowd of well dressed Citadel denizens.</p><p>The bottom floor of the club is loud but for once it doesn’t make Kaidan’s teeth ache.  Well, not as much as the silk shirt Chet is sporting that makes him look like he’s cruising for action with a species that sees on an ultraviolet spectrum.  Kaidan feels almost underdressed in his dark blue button up and black jeans, the only civ clothes he’d bothered to bring.  </p><p>He makes one last attempt to figure out who the friends are as they walk up the stairs. Chet is a little more adventurous than his own interest takes him and he’d rather not try to chat up a Hanar all night. “So uh, these friends of yours…?”</p><p>Chet’s grinning at him, “Relax.  They’re both human, even.  I know Paul from school, found him up here doing medical things and Jenette is part of the Citadel traffic control. She’s got a very reassuring voice when you’ve been flying your wings off all day chasing joy riders.”  </p><p>A bouncy woman with a spiky pink and blond hair style waves at them from a booth overlooking the dance floor.  Chet waves back and they jog up the stairs. “Jenette, Paul? My buddy, the legendary Kaidan Alenko!” He makes a cheering sound with his hands cupped around his mouth. </p><p>Kaidan rubs his face and huffs a laugh, “I am so sorry you’ve already met Chet, I’m not sure I can make it up to you.”</p><p>“He’s told us a TON about you, we’ve been looking forward to meeting you.” Jenette has a very faint biotic signature and he can see her eyes widen as she feels his.  He forgets, being with the company that’s used to it.  </p><p>“Never mentioned me ever, did he?”</p><p>“Not until tonight!” She agrees cheerily. “Military?  Not a pilot?</p><p>“No, definitely not a pilot.”  </p><p>“Thank the goddess, I’m so fucking sick of pilots,” she pulls Chet into the booth with a grin as she waves a server down and Kaidan and Chet order their beers.  </p><p>Paul is athletic, with light brown skin, a clipped haircut, and soft, kind dark eyes, rimmed lightly with blue eyeliner. He reaches out to shake Kaidan’s hand with a long, artistic looking hand, before he slides over to let Kaidan sit beside Chet..  It’s a nice handshake, firm and warm.  The way Paul skims his length with a faint smile is warm, too.</p><p>“Thanks for letting me crash your fun.”</p><p>“The more the merrier, Kaidan. First time to the Citadel?”</p><p>“No, I’ve been here...oh, a few times.  Usually just a stop over or a refuel.” </p><p>Paul tips his head.  “Have you ever been to the clinic on Shalta ward?  Jenette, does he look familiar to you?”</p><p>“No, but I remember voices more than faces.  I’d remember your voice if I’d ever heard it before.” She leans in and he gets a pleasant view of her curves in the low cut top but he snaps his eyes up to smile back at her before turning to Paul.</p><p>“So, you’re a doctor?”  </p><p>“Yes, pediatrics.  Which is a lot more interesting here than it is on Earth, these days.  I’m specializing in spacer kids, the ones who hardly ever see a gravity well.” </p><p>“Oh, yeah.  Does it make a difference?”  </p><p>Paul nods, “Definitely, they tend to be built like that one, long and skinny.”  </p><p>Chet has one arm flung around Kaidan and the other hand wrapped around a beer. “Hey, all this is just genetics, Paulie, I didn’t see space till we hit Luna for bootcamp and you know it.”  </p><p>“Yeah, I know it.  You don't have the joint issues we’re seeing pop up now and again in the kiddos as they hit their prepubescent growth and, “ he checks himself, apologetically. “Ah, this is dull, I’m..”</p><p>Kaidan stops his apology, “No, it isn’t.  I...it’s nice to hear someone with real enthusiasm about what they do.  Most of the people I meet...well, gungho about what we do is sometimes not healthy.”</p><p>“Sometimes.”  Kaidan can see the question flit across the man’s expressive face before he asks, “Why did you join the Marines?”</p><p>“Long story.”  He shrugged, “The short version is I’m biotic and it was just...simpler. But I’ve had some real opportunities to, uh...make a difference, I guess.”</p><p>Chet nudges his foot, “Jenette’s bi, too.” </p><p>“I’m biotic, you loon.  He means I’m biotic.”  She’s grinning, though.  “He can tell, Chet.”</p><p>“Yeah,” Kaidan admits. </p><p>“Oh, that’s right you get all,” Chet wiggled his fingers and made a sparking noise.</p><p>She sniffs, rolling her eyes at his antics. “Sort of.  I’m not very strong and I...well, I was healthy, otherwise.  My folks turned spacer to keep me...out of the loop.” She’s lost some of her vivid animation and Kaidan hastens to assure her. </p><p>“No , I understand completely.  My parents...didn’t really have a choice but to report me.  I was...I could do a fair bit without it, so for me…” he shrugs.</p><p>“Right.  You’re L3?”</p><p>“L2.”  </p><p>“Oh.”  Her hazel eyes have gone round and surprised. </p><p>“No big problems though.” He waves his hand. “Headaches, sometimes”  </p><p>“Oh?” Paul’s eyes squint a little as if he could see Kaidan’s aches and then glances around at the flashing dance floor a few meters away.  “This isn’t bothering you, all this?”</p><p>“Tonight’s a good night.   I’m fine.”  Kaidan assures them, glancing at Chet whose frown flits across his face before he interjects.</p><p>“Kaidan’s great.  He doesn’t let it slow him down.  Just made Commander, guy went from enlisted right to officer, first in our class to do it, too.  We are SO proud.”  Chet kissed him on the cheek and held his hand out to Jenette.  “Come dance, lovely.”</p><p>Kaidan can't help but smile at them and glances at Paul who’s waving his friends off. “um.  Do you want to…?”</p><p>Lifting up his glass, he shakes his head, “I’m fine with my drink if that’s alright.”</p><p>“No...that’s good.” Kaidan replies. He’s not quite up to dancing yet.  Drinks he can do.  Conversation? Well, he’s trying.</p><p>Paul slumps against the upholstered back of the banquette. “I’m glad Chet called, it’s just I fixed a couple of broken bones, had a case of teller’s pox, one kid swallowed her mom’s credit chit, it's…” He waved his hand. </p><p>“Been a day?”</p><p>Paul huffs a laugh and nods. “Yes!  So, Commander.  Chet says you’ve been Earthside, so...you must be doing pretty well to earn promotions without being in space?  Uh, my mom was Navy during the first Contact war, I know a little. That’s how he and I met, base housing.”</p><p> “Uh.  Yeah.  I’m doing ok.  I’m on a special project for awhile, but I’ve been aboard ships most of my career.”  </p><p>Paul’s dark eyes narrow. “I <i>do</i> know you. You were here for the Geth attack.  I remember seeing you...your picture on the news.”</p><p>“The...uh, geth.” Kaidan tips his beer up before acknowledging. “Yeah. I was here for that.”  </p><p>“Me, too.  We were locked down in Zakera Ward. Didn’t really see anything but the aftermath, really and was fairly busy doing triage.”</p><p>“Trust me, you were better off in the wards.  It wasn’t pretty up on the Presidium.”  He veers away from the subject that always comes up next with, “I actually thought about medicine, for a while.  I spent a lot of time in hospitals, as a kid”</p><p>Paul either took the bait or humored him, “That’s a pretty common response.  I’ve seen several kids who, after being poked about, like to either have that control themselves or really want to give back the help.  You decided, ah well, I suppose the biotics decided for you?”</p><p>“Little bit, but it was also...I just didn’t feel comfortable in hospitals for a long time, after.  Too clinical.  I’m actually trained as a squad medic, though.”  </p><p>“So you’re still helping?”</p><p>“Hope so.”  He blinks down at the metallic beer bottle in his hand.  He’s just about finished it and Paul’s glass is empty of whatever green drink he’d been sipping at.  “Let me get you a refill?”</p><p>Palming Paul’s glass, he leans over the railing to catch Chet’s eye.  He gives him a questioning thumbs up and down from the dance floor with raised eyebrows and Kaidan smirks, holding up his empty in question.  Chet nods and clearly asks Jenette what she’s having, holds up two fingers.  </p><p>Kaidan slides past the two asari, shaking his head when one offers to dance, and a volus on the step that lets the shorter species see over the bartop.  He recognizes the girl behind the bar but doesn’t bring it up.  Bartenders meet so many, Jenna might remember Shepard but probably not him.</p><p>The two dancers are back when he returns, a full tray in hand. They chat awhile longer, Kaidan tells them about his leave on Noveria, and Jenette compares skiing locations as they finish the beer and a pile of starchy things that might be potatoes with a spicy blue sauce that’s fluorescing under the lights. </p><p> After an hour or so, the music’s starting to grate on him.  He’s about to make his apologies when Paul asks, “There’s a late night classics line up at the Multi down on the Silversun, if we want to catch a vid?”</p><p>Kaidan’s honestly sorry when he has to reply, “Actually, I’ve got an early morning. I’ve got to report to the base clinic in..,” he glances at his omni, “In about nine hours and I’ll probably be on a flight not long after.”  He smiles at Jenette’s little <i>aw</i> and the soft regret on Paul’s face.  “This has been great, though.  I’ve really enjoyed talking with you both.” </p><p>Chet busses his friends’ cheeks and sighs, “He’s telling me I need to get him home before he turns into a pumpkin, gang.  I’ll catch up with you another night.”</p><p>They’re waiting for the cab to take them back to Chet’s place and Chet taps Kaidan’s shoe with his boot.  “I did okay?” He’s left behind his slightly manic social vibe and eyeing Kaidan, seriously; his hands nervously caught in rest position behind his back.</p><p>He reaches out and squeezes Chet in a one armed hug, “You did great. I like them both.”  </p><p>“But?”</p><p>“But nothing. I’m gonna be back through here when I’m done with the project, might have some leave barring, I don’t know, events.  We’ll try again, okay?”  Kaidan sighed.  “I just... have to take it slow.”</p><p>“You gotta have a life, babe.  You can’t tell me she wouldn’t have wanted you to.”  </p><p>“No, I know.” He guesses he does.  People keep saying it, even his mother had invited a few friends over last time he’d made it home.  “Just.  Baby steps, alright?” He gives Chet a crooked smile, shaking him a little and pushing him towards the cab that’s hovering into place. “It’s not like I was ever up to your speed anyway.  Let me catch my breath.”  </p><p>Chet slid across the seat to program in his address. “Okay, we’ll keep the training wheels on for a while, but I’m warning you, Nera wants to introduce you to her cousins.”</p><p>“Which ones?”</p><p>“All of them, babe, her mother wants you in the family.  Come on, I'll flip you for bed or couch.” </p><p>“I'm not gonna chase you out of your bed.  Couch‘s fine.” </p><p>The next morning he regrets being so magnanimous -the couch clearly had a rock in it somewhere- but he rolls out and gets in a clean shave before Chet needs to hit the shower, flipping on the coffee for his friend while his tea brews.  He buys them a breakfast taco at the stand near Chet’s building and they hug out a goodbye trying not to drip chile and butter all over each other’s uniform.  </p><p>He’s feeling...light as he walks up the ramp towards the embassies, taking the long route to enjoy the view.  His mission is hovering over his shoulder, missing colonists isn’t good in any context but he’s glad to be back on the Citadel, in the hum and bustle of galactic space. He’s been dirtside long enough.  He takes the stairs on a jog, smiles at the ping of his omnitool, the indicator telling him Paul has sent him a contact number. </p><p>His smile falters as he shakes Captain Anderson’s hand and takes in the man’s appearance.  </p><p>The captain looks far more haggard than the last time Kaidan saw him, wrinkles have formed around his mouth as if his cushy Citadel job is harder than the last 20 years in combat. </p><p>They push a little small talk around; Kaidan tells him what he can about the company, drops Garin’s name on the off-chance Anderson might have some pull and Anderson fills him in on Udina’s recent roundabout with the Council.  His heart isn’t in it, though, and finally Kaidan asks, “Sir, about the mission.  Colonel Ferrars said you’d have some more intel for me?”</p><p>Anderson pauses, then sighs as he swipes his finger across the lock of the desk drawer and pulls out a dark blue folder marked <b>eyes only</b>.  “Yes, I do. I want you to know, these have just popped up randomly from a contact one of the Council members has but wouldn’t identify. They were passed to me, not Udina.  <i>Nothing</i> in this file has been verified.  We’ve got them running through Intelligence, but we’ve got to move and we can’t send you out there without...without a heads up.” </p><p>And he opens the folder, lays out a spread of print outs on his desk.  </p><p>Kaidan’s eyes are immediately drawn to the dark copper hair off centered in the first blurry print.<br/>
Holding the door for someone wearing a uniform with the same Cerberus logo he’d seen on the shuttle.  “I don’t…” He pushes it aside to the next, the red head with a hand wrapped around the wrist of some unfortunate waif, a pistol in her hand with a scowl across her scarred face-</p><p>He drops the print back on the desk.  “What is this?” He can feel the blood draining from his face and has to hold back the flare reacting to his pulse rate as he grips the arm of the spindly office chair.   </p><p>Anderson shakes his head, looking away across the expanse of the Presidium. “We don’t know yet.  It’s rumors right now.  Sightings by some drug addicts on Omega and these.  But Shepard was...well-known enough that if someone wanted to get under our skin, under the Alliance's skin...this would be the way to do it, mock ups...or a double.”</p><p>“A double.  Why?” His mouth is dry again.  Anderson’s got a mug of coffee going cold on his desk, the faint memory of the taste is turning acrid on the back of his tongue. “Why now?”</p><p>“Try and make us chase this, instead of colonists.  Or it could be her.”</p><p>“<i>It could be</i>?” Kaidan shakes his head.  “No. She would never do that.  Not to you.”  <i>Or me, not to me</i>.  They’d moved too fast and she’d been afraid but...  </p><p>“No, I can’t imagine the Shepard we knew could do that but.”  Anderson shakes his head.  “There are some things you don’t know.  I don’t <i>think</i> you know,” he checks himself.  “She walked away from her life before, nearly completely reinvented herself.  I’m not saying she’s done it now.  I’m just saying...it wouldn’t be the first time.”</p><p>“Her life, before.  When she was a kid?” Kaidan asks, bewildered.  </p><p>“When she was fourteen, yeah.” </p><p>“I know that.  We ran into a..” He can’t remember the name, Flint or......”someone she used to run with.  She told us about it, about the gang.” She’d stolen cars, ran red sand.  It had been something he’d just started to draw out of her, small mentions starting to form a picture.</p><p>Anderson taps his fingers on the desk, clenching his hand into a fist. “She tell you she went to prison?”</p><p>“That she was arrested, yes, sir. Released straight to bootcamp.”  </p><p>Anderson frowns as if it wasn’t quite that simple.  “I’m sure she’d put all that behind her.  I can’t believe... I know she was very frustrated with the way the Council, the way the Alliance was handling things.  With the way she was getting boxed in.” He pauses, looks horrified at the obscene idea he’s suggesting.</p><p>“Not like that.  She wouldn’t have done it like that.”  Kaidan is barely managing to get words to form.  </p><p>“I don’t think so, either.  I am trying to...prepare you.  In case...”  </p><p>He waves his hand at the footage Anderson has locked on his monitor. “Look, we know Cerberus has been seen on these missing colonies?”  </p><p>“There’s eyewitness proof on Cyrene and now, this. Once or twice before the attack, definitely showing up after.”</p><p>“Shepard wouldn’t work with Cerberus, Anderson.  No matter what...she wouldn’t.” He holds back a frustrated growl.  “This is crazy, she’s dead.”</p><p>Anderson taps something on his haptic keyboard.  The footage of the hovering Cerberus shuttle loops again, and this time, continues.  He’d thought it was the same he’d seen before but this time, there are three soldiers dropping. The camera is far enough away that the human figures are almost only silhouettes as they drop out of the doorway to hit the ground. The woman in the dull charcoal N7 sigiled armor is in shadows, looking away to the right. </p><p>But when she walks forward her head turns and Kaidan’s lungs seize. He pushes back, standing so fast the chair he’s sitting slides away from him.  God, he knows that walk; that rolling, aggressive prowl.  The way she turns her eyes, then her head, predatorily feline; scanning the forward position.  Her squared up shoulders as she sights down an unfamiliar sniper rifle.  And those steel grey eyes, gleaming silver as they catch the light.  His hand’s risen to touch the screen before he realizes.</p><p>The two figures who dropped behind her are in Cerberus uniforms.  The woman who can’t be, <i>cannot be</i> Aedan Shepard makes another scan of the ground and her omni pops up.   A few taps later the camera recording them goes dark. The vid restarts, runs again with no sound in the office but the two men and their harsh breathing. </p><p>“Tell me that isn’t her.” Anderson's voice is ragged, like he desperately wants <i>someone</i> to tell him they aren’t looking at what they’re looking at.</p><p>“I..I can’t.”  Kaidan wheels around to pace, feeling the shiver of a ghost, slender, calloused, cold fingers touching the back of his neck before he stares at the replaying loop. “She’s dead.  We… “</p><p>“We never found a body.”  Anderson clears his throat and gruffly asks,  “You didn’t know about this?” </p><p>“Know?  Know what?”</p><p>“There was some concern that she might have made contact with you, that you might be...I knew it wasn’t true.  But now I can tell Hackett that I’m sure.”  He tapped the monitor, “That came in a week ago, from Freedom’s Progress.  We got a coded packet from an unknown source but the signatures are from the Far Rim.”</p><p>Kaidan forces out the obvious question, trying to get his breathing under control, “Quarians?</p><p>“We think so.”  Anderson shakes his head again.  “Have you heard anything from that Quarian Shepard picked up for the Normandy squad, what was her name? Tali?”</p><p>“Tali’zorah vas Rayya.  It’s vas Neema, now.”  It occurs to him that this, too, is a test and he grinds his teeth for a second before he answers. “Yeah, I did.  I missed it, though. We were off comms while we did maneuvers and I didn’t get it until I was on my way here.  It was dated...same day,” he indicated the monitor. “She’s out of range now, said she was working on something. Said she’d...seen somebody.”  he stares at the monitor.  “I thought she meant...Liara T’soni.”</p><p>“Can you get in touch with her, find out anything more?”</p><p>“I’ve sent her a message but I won’t hear from her unless she pings a comm buoy, especially if I’m out in the Terminus.”</p><p>The video flickers to life again but this time Anderson takes mercy on them both and stops it.   The silence hangs between them, the air feeling thick.  Kaidan can’t make himself take a deep enough breath.</p><p>Finally, Anderson jars himself back to life. “The information about Horizon is in your orders.  It’s a pretty straight forward job, find out if Horizon is a target, find out if there are Cerberus agents involved. Your contact is an ex-Alliance chief, Lilith McCready, in charge of colonial defense.  She’s willing to work with you to get the guns up, knows something about what you’re really there for.  What else you can brief her on is in the coded packet with your orders.”  His voice sounds like it’s coming from the end of a tunnel.  </p><p>Mechanically, Kaidan lists the next steps, relying on routine to get him...away, get him out of the office. He’s got to move.  “I still need to go get the vaccinations, I’ve got an appointment in sickbay.  My flight is?”</p><p>“There’s a cruiser making a stop at Illium, you’ll catch a freighter, the Cyrano, from there with an Alliance contract that’ll take you to Horizon as part of a supply run.  Leaves in two hours, Commander.  Kaidan, If I knew anything else, I’d tell you.”</p><p>Kaidan hopes he doesn’t sound as lost as he feels. “Yes, sir.”</p><p>He stops outside of Anderson's office, in the artificial privacy of the landing that would take him to the elcor/volus offices if he turned right.  He can’t move, he’s..</p><p>Two years.  Two <i>years. </i> </p><p>He closes his eyes, tries to beat down the rush of pain and the sudden jarring remembrance of those grey eyes. Laser focused in the vid. So damned scared the last time he saw them.</p><p>She didn’t run from him.  </p><p>Had she?  </p><p>She <i>died</i></p><p>The silvery blue walls of the corridor whirl around him and he hauls in a breath, gripping his forehead. From the left a slow, low voice asks “<i>Concerned</i>: Are you well, human?”</p><p>He glances over to the elcor ambassador’s aide.  “Yeah.  Uh. Yes, thank you.  Sorry, I just was thinking.”</p><p>“<i>Confused</i>: I see.  Do not over do it, young one.” The elcor trods past, disappearing into the offices.</p><p>“Right. Thanks.”  </p><p>He needs to get to the medbay.  He heads for the embassy bar, first.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. epilogue</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>post-Horizon</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He can feel eyes on his back as he walks away.  Hears the voice, <i>her</i> voice, growl out, “Joker, send the shuttle and…” </p><p>Kaidan jerks to a halt just past the building when Joker’s voice crackles from the communication tower, “Sent another call to Alliance HQ as soon as the comms cleared, Commander.  Don’t know if they got it, still wouldn’t acknowledge.”</p><p>There’s a pause.  “Okay.  Thanks.”</p><p>He stalks woodenly to the nearest abandoned pod.  <i>Empty.</i>  There’s a stack of them shoved against the maintenance bay and the caretaker who’d been yelling at Shepard when he approached is trying to shift it to look at another one.  </p><p>He forces himself to move faster and searches for the mechanism to open it.  Had to be… <i>there</i>.  </p><p>It springs open under his fingers.  The colonist isn’t anyone he recognizes but Delan exclaims, “Sten!”  before turning to Kaidan accusingly, “How do we wake ‘em up, how did you?”</p><p>“Don’t know.  It wore off after the bugs….” there’s a ping and a batch of data springs up on his omni.  “Seekers.  Apparently.  I’ve got to call this in, see if we can get some help before…” Another indicator lights up.  The Alliance recovery team is in system, they’ll be here within the hour.  She..they’d called it in, had to have to get a team here this fast.  Alliance still didn’t have a ship that could respond like the Normandy could...did.  </p><p>He helps Delan haul Sten’s stiffened body out of the pod onto the trampled grass.  The man’s terrified black eyes are able to flick to them and Kaidan pats him on the shoulder, trying to be reassuring.  “We’re okay.  Help’s coming.”</p><p>Kaidan’s got no idea how many of the thousands of colonists are left.  He’d managed to kill the alien, somehow.  A riotous blaze of dark energy he’d never felt had built and torn through him, crushing and twisting the insectoid figure that had started to shove him into a pod but there weren’t any other biotics in the city, as far as he knew.  Maybe his hyperactive metabolism had cleared the stasis.  He’ll have to report it.  </p><p>He glances back down to the data Shepard sent him.  The guns had been compromised, a worm inserted to keep them from calibrating.  He hadn’t found it, hadn’t found the saboteur, and it had been too late.  </p><p>In the background, a shuttle whines as it takes off. Takes her.  He grips the weird, chiton-esque rolled edge of the pod and forces himself not to turn, not to bolt and run after her. Garrus. <i>Joker.</i>  </p><p>Not him. </p><p>Within five hours the incoming medical team had scanned him, declared him fit for duty and he’d gotten the recovery team fully briefed.  Calls were coming in from across the colony and they’d managed to calculate.  15,000 missing and presumed lost.  </p><p>The call to Ferrars had been miserable, even as she’d absolved him.  “Commander, I’m not sure what you think you could have done?  Your shield is the strongest we’ve recorded for a human and if it didn’t last more than minutes, no one else we’d have sent would have.”</p><p>“If I’d brought a team…”</p><p>“We aren’t ready to reveal the strength of the squads yet.”  She glanced down at his preliminary report.  “If this holds up, we may have to advance the program.  Alenko, is this a first wave? Are we looking at more of this, a Reaper, even?””</p><p>“Shepard told me...she says the Collectors are working with the Reapers.  She’s got a team looking at how they’re connected and trying to find a way to strike.  Colonel, I can’t be sure, I never saw the ship that hit the Normandy but according to the data I’ve been given this is the same type of ship we found at Alchera.  These colony disappearances are definitely an escalation and I’m not sure we’re ready for what’s next.”</p><p>Ferrars grimaces.  “And it’s her?”</p><p>“I...don’t know.  I think so. But she’s different.  The Shepard I served with would never have...”  He wants to believe that.  </p><p>“Don’t be too sure, Alenko.  She was always...efficient.”</p><p>He steels himself for the next question. "Is this an operation?  Has she been...is this something I'm not cleared for?" </p><p>The connection goes quiet long enough he wonders if he's lost her, if the image has frozen.  And then she shakes her head.  "If it is, Commander, I'm out of the loop, too.  I can't imagine..." She sighs, rubbing her face as she tries to absorb the numbers, to pull something positive out of the gloomy data. “Well, at least the GARDIANS drove them off, that’s something.  We may need to start mass production and get every colony kitted out.  Report to Anderson as soon as you can, there’s a frigate coming in to relieve the recovery team by the end of the day and he’s got some information for you.  You’ve got a priority clearance to redirect them to the Citadel.”</p><p> </p><p>Kaidan hasn’t slept in twenty four hours when his flight drops from the relay into Citadel space.  He managed to drink a high calorie shake the ship’s doc had pressed into his hand.  He should eat.  He should...he pings Chet to warn him off, in case his buddy is scanning manifests, again.  He’s going to be in Alliance hands for the next day, debriefing.  And he...doesn’t have a story he can tell.  Not yet.  </p><p>The ramp up to the embassy level is almost too steep to climb, Kaidan has to drag himself up the last steps.  </p><p>“It was her.  Or...I don’t know, Anderson.  It looked, sounded…” <i>felt, smelled like her</i> but he cuts himself off before he says anything incriminating. “It seemed like her but she’s working for Cerberus.  She said she was.  Shepard would never…”  He wants the captain to tell him he’s wrong.</p><p>There’s no comfort in the old man’s voice when he grunts. “No.  It’s definitely her.  She came in with a new ship, Normandy SR-2,  not long after you made the jump to Horizon.  Every CSEC scan, every bit of biodata.  It’s her and it isn’t a clone.”</p><p>Energy flares through him and he barely holds on, a blue haze in front of him, “What?  And you didn’t think you should let me know?  What the fuck...”</p><p>“<i>Commander</i>!” Anderson’s got a low growl to his warning and Kaidan yanks himself upright, hauls in the reaction, catches himself as the sudden drop makes his head whirl.</p><p>“Sir. Yes, sir.”  Manages to acknowledge through his teeth.</p><p>Anderson waits until Kaidan is breathing normally before he continues. “You should know, she offered to turn herself in.  I had to tell her no.  Not with...the Alliance isn’t going to protect the colonies.  The politicians aren’t cooperating.  Hackett wants to let her run.  If she and Cerberus can stop the Collectors, stop this from happening again, we have to let her go.”</p><p>“She didn't...didn't say how she..." </p><p>“She reported that she was told she was comatose for two years, woke up a few days before that footage from Freedom’s Progress.”</p><p>"How...the PT alone to recover from a...she was...there were scars."</p><p>"The ones that glowed?" Anderson shook his head.  "I don't know, son.  She...I think there were things she would have said, if we'd been able to bring her in."</p><p>If they were able to...“And she came here and you said...she knew I was on Horizon, she was...she said she was looking for me.  Did you tell her?”</p><p>“No, I didn’t.  I don’t know how she knew you were there.  Your mission was classified, Kaidan, I can’t tell her anything, even if she comes back.”</p><p>He rubs the back of his neck. “Why wouldn’t she?  Anderson, don’t we...what if she’s a prisoner?  What if they’ve...I don’t know. Brainwashed her?”</p><p>Anderson shakes his head again, folding his arms tight across his chest.  “Right now, we don’t have any reason to suspect that. She seems to be free to move.  Well, almost. We met with the Council. They offered to reinstate her SPECTRE status, she told them no.  And that didn’t seem to set well with the Cerberus operative with her, by the way.  The Council’s told her to stay in the Terminus unless she wants to be placed under house arrest and she told them...well, she said she’d stay in the Terminus.  She’s gathering a team, they intend to hit the Collectors by going through the Omega 4 relay.”  </p><p>Kaidan stares at him. “Omega 4 but that’s...Anderson, that’s…suicide.  How can we?”</p><p>“No one’s come back.” Anderson confirms. “If it’s her, would you expect less?  Kaidan, you saw what’s happening, your report was...very thorough.” He can feel the weight of Anderson’s assessing gaze and tries not to fidget under the scrutiny. “You know you’ll need a psych review after that? Stasis, watching the colonists be taken. It can’t have been pleasant.”</p><p>“Already scheduled, when I’m done here.” Her eyes focused over his shoulder, he’d been waiting for her to ask him to come along.  Garrus was with her. Joker...how had He grabs on to that.  Joker had been Alliance. “Do we have any information on how Joker joined Cerberus?”</p><p>Anderson shakes his head, again.  “He resigned his commission and disappeared.  Completely dropped off the radar about a month after he left Arcturus when he was discharged after failing the medical.  The last I heard, he’d gone to Tiptree . His family decided to join the colony there, after Joker graduated flight school.”  Reaching out, Anderson flips the monitor around for Kaidan to see a file open on Dr. Chakwas.</p><p>It’s flagged. “She’s with Cerberus, too?"  Had they all gone, is that why he hadn’t been able to keep up with them?</p><p>“She took a leave of absence about three months before Shepard showed up at Freedom’s Progress.  The only thing we’ve heard since is that she contacted Engineer Adams and mentioned there might be a position he’d be interested in. He turned her down and reported it, but apparently Karin didn’t tell him it was with Cerberus.” Anderson pauses and asks, gravel in his voice, “Did she ask you?”  </p><p>“I haven’t seen Doctor Chakwas in a year.”</p><p>“Did Shepard ask you?”</p><p>“No.” He answers bleakly.  He’d have said...he closes his eyes for a moment and feels her fingers in his hair and the scent of something green and spicy under the sweat.</p><p>He’d have said no. </p><p>The file is sitting on Anderson’s desk.  Kaidan picks it up for something to do with his hands as his mind scrabbles.</p><p>But he pauses as he flips back through the pictures.  The last one, dated six months after Alchera... there’s something. He scowls at the print.</p><p>Her hair is wrong. </p><p>Almost buzz cut short.  Just like it had been when they first joined the Normandy, after she’d had to clip it after damage from a mission.  </p><p>He flips back to the previous picture.  Dated just weeks after this one.  The person holding the door has shadows across her face and her hair is longer, like it had been right before they hit Ilos.  When the curls on top had been long enough to tumble down her forehead, for him to tangle his fingers in. That had taken <i>months</i>.  She’d been complaining about needing a proper haircut, besides her own razor trims to keep it off her ears.  </p><p>Hair can be cut.  It grows but…</p><p>There are two more, in worse places.  But the images are just... there’s something wrong.  When he’d seen them before he’d been focused on the impossibility but now?</p><p>He holds it up into the clear light of the broad spectrum coming in over Anderson’s balcony. The light around the fingers is wrong, shadows hitting at not quite right angles. </p><p>“You see it.”  Anderson’s not asking.</p><p>“They’re fakes?”</p><p>“All of the sightings from before Freedom’s Progress, none of them are her.  Well, <i>her</i> but the images are manipulated, Intel confirms. That one was taken here on the Citadel.”</p><p>He looks at the dating for the first faked images.  About a month after this was taken.</p><p>There’s a new one in the folder, that he hadn’t seen before, a still from footage from this office, taken less than a week after he’d gone to Horizon.  Shepard has circles under her eyes, she looks thin though not as thin as she was on Horizon.  Most importantly, the scars he remembers are gone, the one from the bottle, the one through her eyebrow.  The tiny one in her lower lip that he’d kissed as often as she’d kissed his. </p><p>But the new ones, the ones that glow?  Those are scrawled across her face.  </p><p>They’re pulled open by the way she’s clenching her teeth.  It looks like they hurt. The way she'd set her chin on Horizon came back to him, as if she'd wanted him to look there and not at <i>her</i></p><p>He flips back to the fakes.  No glowing fissures, but the old scars are there.  </p><p>Two years in a coma. </p><p>Gunmetal grey eyes and a fake smile that didn’t reach them.  And the way she had shivered in his arms -<i>clutched</i>- for just a second before yanking away. And the voice, solid and confident, that didn’t match in any way how her eyes refused to meet his, focused over his shoulder.  Her posture square, her back turned to the squad; Garrus, a half naked biotic with the overwhelming presence in the gravity well, a man in mercenary gear.  From behind, Shepard would have looked, sounded fine.  </p><p>He closes his eyes.  For a minute, the memory blurs and he can’t separate the two images. Shepard in the field on Horizon, Aedan in the inferno of the crumbling crew deck.  Her body on automatic, coldly doing her duty and those wide, grey eyes; scared to her bones that he’s not going to listen. The afterimage of orange fissures on the backs of his eyelids, distorting her pale skin.</p><p>Was any of it real? </p><p>There’s a clinking sound of glass against glass and when he looks up, Anderson’s pouring himself a drink from a very expensive bottle if the label is anything to go by.  “It’s a mess.”  He tipped the lip of the glass bottle towards Kaidan. “I’d offer you one, but if you’re headed to psych…”</p><p>“Probably shouldn’t start drinking, now?  Maybe later.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Colonel Ferrars is an oc introduced in Wrestle Me Free, as Kaidan's immediate superior for the special operations biotic program.  Chet Hanson is an oc, Kaidan's buddy from bootcamp.  Nera Acharya is another oc, his roommate from Arcturus.  Both briefly mentioned in Wrestle Me Free.  Kaidan's a good guy, he's bound to have a few friends somewhere as opposed to just rotating in Shepard's wake.  &lt;3  I'm on tumblr @shadoedseptmbr if you're interested in other bits and pieces of this 'verse, Aedan headcanon, etc. Thanks for reading!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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